Lisa Faye Kaplan
Gannett News Service © 1995
Fran doesn't get sleepy until 11:30 p.m. Her husband, who awakes at dawn, is dead to the world at 9.
Consequently, the couple have maintained different bedtimes throughout their marriage.
"In eight years of marriage I have never awakened with him or gone to sleep with him," says the New Yorker, who asks that her full name not be used. "I think it takes away a lot of intimacy."
A shared bedtime rarely is the one thing that makes or breaks a marriage or relationship. But the decision to end the day together, or at different times can be tough to make, say marriage and divorce experts.
Bedtime "is an issue with a lot of couples who come into counseling," says Michael Broder, a Philadelphia clinical psychologist and author of "The Art of Staying Together" (Avon; $5.50). "When a couple is dating, they tend to accommodate (each other). Once they are in the same house, that issue pops up."
The issue is complicated, and even the experts don't agree on whether mutual bedtimes are important for a happy union.
The hour or so before sleep is "prime time a couple should be sharing," says Mike McCurley, a Dallas divorce lawyer who estimates that 50 to 60 percent of his clients had established different bedtimes before their divorce. "It's the winding up of the day, reflecting of what's happened. It's the time when you're letting your busy world pass away. If your spouse is asleep, it's not likely to happen."
Broder, however, says bedtime is merely another "vehicle for conflict" that needs to be worked out.
"Healthy couples learn that they have differences. They're two individuals in this relationship, not one person who has to mimic the other in order for the relationship to work," Broder says. "Once they get that down, they can start to mature in other areas."
In a perfect world, couples would tire at the same time, crave the same amount of cuddling, and fall to sleep in each other's arms.
In the real world, day-people marry night-people; one needs eight good hours of sleep while the other does fine on five; one falls asleep in a snap while the other needs to read or watch TV to wind down.
Blame it on nature, not necessarily nurture, says Robert Turner, a sleep researcher at the Rose Sleep Disorder Center in Denver.
Separate bedtimes may be the results of different physiologies or habits, rather than trauma in the marriage, says Turner, who interviewed 30 couples who felt uncomfortable about their decision not to share the same bedtime.
"Many people feel that not sleeping together is a signal that there is a problem in the marriage, and it doesn't necessarily mean that," Turner says. "The people who are successful in handling the difference were those who were able to throw off the (notion) that, `We have to sleep together in order to have a good marriage."'
Some couples who have different work or sleep schedules often get into bed together, share some cuddling, have a little sex, then go their separate ways.
"One couple was fortunate to be able to meet in the afternoon," Turner says. "Some will have that intimate time, then the night-person gets out of bed and does what he wants to do."
Others look at going to bed together as a sacred ritual.
Carolyn Bushong, a Denver psychotherapist and author of "Loving Him Without Losing You" (Berkley; $4.95.) says she and her live-in boyfriend always try to crawl into bed together.
"I think it bonds the relationship," Bushong says. "We have our most soft, vulnerable, private moments we don't give to the rest of the world."
Mary Jo McCurley, also a Dallas divorce attorney, says too many of her clients let business obligations impinge on private time with their spouse. McCurley says she "never sleeps" without her husband, Mike. When they're working in different cities they rendezvous before bedtime, she says.
"We try to make sure we're not apart."
