Celebrating the holidays in the shadow of divorce

Kathy Swindle
The Dallas Morning News, HOME FINAL, Page 5C © 1997

It's a situation that Dallas child psychologist Dr. Mary Ann Shaw, has dealt with before: Parents and children who are facing their first Christmas or Hanukkah after a divorce and feel sad, confused and overwhelmed. Many try to maintain the stability of long-held traditions, while also adopting positive new behaviors.

"People get emotional and a mother, especially, may want to try to re-create what they had," says Dr. Shaw, author of Helping Your Child Survive Divorce (Birch Lane Press, $17.95). Problem is, the very traditions that a parent may cling to could become a painful reminder of what the family has lost. "Parents have to accept the fact that it's different."

While facing the holiday season as a newly single parent may be difficult, there are ways to help the family through the struggle.

Put the kids' feelings first. Blaming or criticizing the ex-spouse, using the children as confidantes, or making a competition of gift-giving should be avoided.

"They should try to look at it totally from the angle of the child," says Mary Jo McCurleyof Dallas, president of the Texas Chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. She urges parents to sit down with their children and explain the holiday schedule - where they will be when, with whom and for how long. This helps them to be emotionally prepared, she says.

"Some parents actually get a calendar for the kids and mark off the dates so that they can, if they're old enough, look at what's going to be happening," she says.

Grandparents also can help youngsters get through the holiday season by not criticizing their son or daughter's ex-spouse. "This is the time to rally around, and that's not saying more presents," Ms. McCurley says. "I mean more time - more quality time with the kids. I've seen cases where the parents aren't actually the ones causing the trouble - it's the grandparents. But they can be a buffer and help their son or daughter not use the children."

Be more giving toward your ex-spouse. For example, you could allow a little extra time with the kids.

Standing at the front door glaring angrily at a wristwatch when the ex drives up with the kids or getting into an argument over child support causes little ones to feel guilt instead of joy.

Don't compete. Ms. McCurley says she sees many parents try to one-up each other by buying more or better gifts. She calls it the "Six Flags Syndrome."

"This is continually a problem in divorce," she says. "The children are going to know eventually who's being real with them and who is not.

"Momentarily, it may be difficult to take {when the spouse overspends}, but children are pretty bright and they figure out what's going on, especially if the spouse is doing something they've never done before."

The ideal situation, Dr. Shaw says, is for both parents to agree ahead of time what gifts they each will purchase for the children.

Don't bring a date. "My advice for the new girlfriend or boyfriend is that this is not the way you want to enter into this family," Ms. McCurley says. "They {children} are going to see you as a threat." Following the standard holiday traditions usually is a good thing to do, experts say, provided everyone wants to participate. But flexibility and movement also can help adults master painful emotions.

Stay busy. Divorced parents should lean on family and friends, get some exercise, volunteer at a shelter, or drive the children around to look at Christmas lights.

"Make it an active time," Dr. Shaw says, "rather than a sit-around-and-remember-what-we've-lost time."

Kathy Swindle is a Dallas free-lance writer.