San Antonio Life
Don't forget the children;
Lawyers discuss effects of divorce on youngsters

Andrea L. Flores
San Antonio Express-News, Metro, Page 01D, © 1998

"Stop fighting."

"Leave the kids out of it."

"I shouldn't have to deal with it."

A group of lawyers from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, meeting in San Antonio this weekend, have heard these pleas from children whose parents are in the midst of a divorce, and decided to do something about the often-shattering impact of the divorce process on families.

These and many other children's voices can be heard in a new 15- minute video being distributed by the lawyers' group.

The AAML's Special Concerns of Children Committee met at the Hyatt Hill Country Resort on Friday to view the video, the latest product of its yearlong education campaign to remind parents to keep their children in mind when separating.

Mike McCurley, AAML president, said children are the best experts on going through divorce. After 25 years as a divorce lawyer, he thinks the most devastating effects of divorce have been on the children.

Parents often become so involved in their own concerns that "little do they know that the (children's) grades are falling, they're getting into fights at school, they're not eating right, they're not sleeping well," said committee chair Barbara Handschu. "We want parents to see those signs."

A 25-year study by psychologist Judith Wallerstein found that divorce affects children for years after the court grants the decree.

"She found that children of divorce were having trouble," Handschu said. "They were having trouble with relationships, they were not marrying. They were frightened.

"We just want to keep those scars down to a minimum."

Handschu said that although the lawyers are not trained mental health professionals, they are interested in opening a dialogue.

"Half of this is communicating lawyer to parent, parent to child," she said.

McCurley wrote 10 tips for divorcing parents that include ways to keep conflicts between the divorcing spouses and leaving children out of accompanying tension.

"Some subtle things: Don't make kids choose, don't use kids as messengers," he said. "Obvious things."

"Things in the past have been focused on lawyers, and (Mike McCurley) wanted something that lawyers could give to their clients," said Mary Jo McCurley, president of the AAML Texas chapter and Mike McCurley's wife.

The committee has a toll- free number, 1-(877) 4-THE-KIDS, that parents can call to receive the video or a pamphlet titled "Stepping Back from Anger" that provides information about protecting children during a divorce as well as a list of additional resources and community organizations.